Saturday 17 January 2015

Language and Burgers

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Francis pauses. A look of mild confusion on his face. Briefly, his eyes leave the road ahead as he glances over his right shoulder.

“Which road?”

Special K and I laugh.

“But…” Francis pleads “WHICH! Road?”

This was the third joke we had tried out on him. The first two were my Mexican standards with the punchlines; “tequila” and “and… hose B”. None were going down well.

“Which road?” as a punchline for the joke in question is good enough for me. 

We left it at that.

Why I chose to start telling rubbish jokes to Francis, I do not know but I was on the edge of hysteria. I had just arrived back in Dammam. I had been travelling for over nine hours in the previous twenty four, stayed overnight in a shabby Riyadh hotel where I found a previous guests half eaten dinner in the fridge all for a meeting that was postponed until the following Sunday. I was tired. I just wanted my bed.

Thanks but no thanks. Left by a previous guest in my Riyadh hotel.

Francis collected special K and me from the rail station. He was giving a lift to one of his friends. Both Francis and his friend are from Kerala in Southern India. Francis’ English is OK. Far from perfect but way, way better than my Malayalam. Neither were grasping our jokes. Language and culture.

Earlier in the day a contractor had made a complaint about me to my boss – Special K. The complaint was made in front of me and with apparent disregard for my feelings. The crux of the complaint was that I am weak. The allegation – made by an Ethiopian – was explored and I listened in with keen interest and amusement. The key point that he was making was that I talked too much. He gave a few examples. Most involved me explaining why payments for his services had not been paid. It turns out that I give too many reasons and explanations why cash has not been forthcoming:

“You haven’t submitted an invoice. Without an invoice, I can’t arrange payment”

“Your invoice was not correct. It included charges for staff we agreed hadn’t attended the job.”

“The authorised signatory isn't in until Tuesday. Once he signs off the payment you will receive the money.”

And so on…

Our contractor said that by offering explanations for not paying implied I had done something wrong. I am his boss… a simple “no” will suffice.

So, I tried it the following week. He immediately became upset and demanded to know "why?"

But it got me thinking about a piece I read in the Arab Gazette or one of the other English language rags that you stumble over out here. A columnist had noted that English speakers showed an inherent weakness; that our language demonstrates too much doubt and makes our opinions weak. The columnist went on to draw on some examples to demonstrate his reasoning. 

I've lost the newspaper… I’d love to quote exactly but cannot. But it went something along these lines:

The columnist argued that if he were to talk with two friends, one Arabic and one English about a burger restaurant he could not trust any review proffered by the English speaker as it would be too vague and imprecise.

The Arabic speaker may choose to say; “It was the best burger I have ever eaten. You must go.”

The English speaker is more likely to say, “It was a great burger. Perhaps, the best burger I’ve eaten. You might want to try it.”

The columnist argued that the English lacks conviction. The lack of conviction shows doubt and weakness. He suggested that it couldn’t be believed. The directness of the Arabic description demonstrates the passion for the burger…

So, I had a think about it. The only thing that occurred to me was that the columnist is an advertisers and marketeer’s wet dream. I reckon his home must be packed full of shit that he really doesn’t need or want.

Advertising. Milk & Laban.
BUY! BUY! BUY!

But – jokes aside – I think that I get where he was coming from. English is so different to Arabic. And I struggle with it. I find talking with non-English speaking Arabs difficult. I love English. I love it’s nuances and complexities. Why use one word when you can use ten? I waffle. I know that I do. Which is not good when you are talking to someone who has grabbed and can run with the basics but little else. To many, I am just confusing.

I was warned of this from day one. My predecessor noted that you have to learn Pidgin English quickly if you are to make your mark with the non-English speakers.

“You go here. Now.”

“No. Not Riyadh. Dammam. Now. You go.”

“I send you file”

“I get food. Now. You want food?”

“No money. Tomorrow money. Pay tomorrow.”

And it’s all so alien to me. On the phone, I catch myself stopping mid-sentence and trying to restart concentrating on the key words and speaking slowly, so very slowly. Nouns. Verbs. Easy on the adjectives. And sometimes it works. It’s clearly becoming a habit. Andy – a colleague – noted on the phone that I was doing it to him and that I could speak proper English if I wished… and he’s Scottish.

Arabic seems so direct and confrontational. I knew this before I came over here. I worked with a Somalian in my previous job. I would hear him talking with his friends and family. It all seemed so aggressive and “shouty”. Yet, it seemed to be interspersed with laughs. And I see it with Arabic. Everything seems so harsh. Whether on the phone or face to face, as a bystander, it always feels as if people are moments away from utterly losing the plot with one another before the smiles kick in and everyone appears to leave as brothers.

And it transfers to English sometimes. One of my staff has a habit of appearing to chew my face off every time he asks a question.

“What you want for lunch?” can sometimes feel as if I’m being called out for doing a turd on the office doorstep.

Before I set off from England, my father encouraged me to seek out a book from the 1950’s – “Arabian Sands” by Wilfred Thesiger. And I did. And it’s a really interesting account of the Arabian Peninsula and Ethiopia from around the 2nd World War. A genuinely great book. Thesiger is a suitably pompous Englishman with a desire for adventure and a superiority – with small concession that he has to rely and learn from the locals - which only the British Class system can instil. But he noted that conversation was held at excessive volumes and that people appeared to shout at both him, across him and each other. He observed, based on feedback from the groups he travelled with, that it was a cultural adaption to ensure openness and lack of secrecy. If you speak loudly so that all can hear, it is clear and obvious what you are saying, you can have no secrets and no-one can be suspicious. It lives on. There are times – not always, obviously – where I can see the inherent behaviour. It’s in the psyche.

But I have tried to learn some Arabic. How I have tried. Ignoring the fact that it seems polite to do so, It would make it so much easier. But – just like my days learning French – I am struggling. In my heart, I so hoped that I could pick it up. After all it’s not a romantic language. I thought that maybe it’d fall in place. But, no way… It’s so alien… I’ve picked up a few key words but am so thankful for the decent quality of English that I encounter on a day to day basis.

But I will carry on trying. Trying to learn a few more words here and there and continuing to speak Pidgin when I need and stop drowning my audience in nouns, verbs and adverbs and all those words that make me happy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Oh. Before I sign off. I’ve got to tell you about a burger restaurant that I found on the Eastern Ring Road in Riyadh. The burger was perfectly cooked. Moist, full of flavour and not overburdened by sauces to distract you.

Seriously, it is the best burger that I have eaten this year. You must go and try the restaurant if you find yourself in Riyadh!

YOU SIMPLY MUST!




And – to my knowledge – I have never been responsible for doing a turd on any doorstep.

Saturday 3 January 2015

Forty

It’s 3rd January. It's my fortieth post.

Have I missed the whole review of 2014 thing?

I dunno.

I’m not good with tradition and convention. I don’t usually partake or play. But, 2014 was a big year for me. It would seem a bit odd if I wasn’t to make some sort of effort to mark it passing.

I could write a stack of stuff about how it felt and how 2015 is going to shape up, but I have a stack of posts that were written at the time. I will let them tell the story.

So, as a slight alternative, I have pulled together a stack of photographs from the year with some notes. Some have been posted on here before, others appeared on Instagram and Flickr. Some have made all three. But some are new...

Anyway. As my Facebook messages have encouraged:

Read

Don’t Read

Enjoy


Don’t Enjoy

The choice is all yours. Choose your colour. Spin the wheel.

Where to start?

Here... In a toilet in London...

The view from the Management Suite Gents at Topshop Oxford Circus.

Loved that view.

The BT Tower will always be my London beacon. When I see it, I know that I am close to my true home. One day I will write about it's mystical properties and why it holds such a strong strong hold on my heart...

The Tower

A blue grey spire with a red light atop. Surrounded by trees. Dusk
I spent years away from Harrow. When I did visit, it was so different to the town I grew up that I really didn't respond to it well. This changed in the late noughties when i bought a property there and got to explore it all over again. 

It - once again - became home.

Epping Forest

Battersea Power Station through the Rain

Parliament Hill... A Summer View
Through the process of sorting my life out to head out to Saudi Arabia, I managed to keep getting out and about in town and reminding myself of it's beauty. Hampstead Heath, Battersea on the way home from West Norwood Feast and green, green summer trees I found lost on the outskirts of Chingford.

The English countryside still inspired:

Detail... The Chilterns

Avenue. Pulborough Brooks

Pulborough Brooks. Sussex.

More Trees in The Chilterns. A dark wood, with a spot of sunlight.
But on a personal level. April 18th Stands out...

With Leyton Orient and Rotherham United dropping points, the win against Preston North End at Griffin Park meant that Brentford FC were promoted. Cue a pitch invasion...

Oh West London. Is Beautiful!

The Ealing Road End... Where a bit of my heart lives.

But Saudi Arabia - Bahrain and UAE - beckoned. And it's where I find myself today. Quite content...

I've found the whole experience inspiring and liberating. The key thing that I have been searching for is a change. Believe me, Saudi Arabia is a change. I miss the UK. I miss my home city and I miss my family and friends to bits but I have no regrets at the path that I have chosen in 2014.

It is good...

Camels

Corniche

Heineken Highway - The Causeway to Bahrain

Dawn over the Arabian Gulf

Palm Tree . Green to celebrate Saudi Arabia's national day.

Dusk on the long road home to Al Khobar

Bahrain

A Mosque in Dammam's Warehouse District

Outside Silver Tower - Al Khobar

Another Painted Isuzu lorry

Power & Communication. Al Khobar.

By the Pool in Bahrain

Got chatting to a fisherman on a lagoon next to Lulu Hypermarket. He proudly showed of the days catch.

If it stands still, it gathers dust. Love the cat footprints on the windscreen...

The Causeway from Al Khobar

Al Khobar Harbour

Home From Home



Dubai...

Shadow over Dubai

Viewing Dusk

Another decent hotel view in Dubai


Not La Defense... Riyadh

Long Road to Riyadh
My new Team

Bahrain & Saudi Flags

Lanterns in Bahrain

An old US School Bus... One of so, so many

Riyadh Railway Station

Dusk over the lagoon

More Corniche

Gecko
Trevor & Gary. My friends behind my Office...